“My family was torn apart by abuse”

When she heard about Mothers’ Union’s active campaigning against gender-based violence, and learnt through local members about the international awareness every autumn 16 Days of Activism against gender-based violence, Mary* contacted Mothers’ Union to ask how she could help with the activities in her local area in Scotland. She took the very brave decision to share her story, to raise awareness of the isolation, secrecy and entrapment that children face living with domestic violence and abuse. “I was brought up with my brothers in a home where we and our mum were victims of severe domestic abuse. My mum never left my dad and we all suffered greatly because of this. People see the physical side but don’t understand why women stay with abusive spouses: it’s because they are worn down, have low self-esteem and become a shadow of themselves. My mum was a deputy head teacher in primary school, a smart woman; and years later after she died I spoke to her friends. I was floored they all knew and said nothing. There is a taboo about talking about these issues. When I was 10, mum was diagnosed with breast cancer and was told she had six months to live. Mum died when I was 14 years old. My older brother was 16 and my younger brother just six years old. I firmly believe prayer and a knowledge of the situation she’d be leaving us in kept her going another three years. During that time dad was involved in a serious road accident and was in hospital for over a year – it was the most peaceful time of our childhood. Permanently disabled when he did finally come home, dad still managed to bully all of us and to physically beat me. Beatings were for the tiniest of mistakes; for me not managing my maths, not putting enough sugar in his tea, curtains not being pulled so the amount of fabric was the same on both sides, not hearing him the first time he called. Life got so bad at home I ran away and took my father to court to try to get custody of my little brother, but I didn’t win. My father was clever and extremely articulate. The police and social workers told me my case was hopeless as our background – nice family, big house etc. – made it unbelievable. I want people to understand and be aware that domestic abuse affects people of all backgrounds… Click here to read the rest of Mary’s story. If you or someone you know is affected by the issues raised in Mary’s story use our downloadable Domestic Abuse leaflet.  *Some details have been changed to protect Mary and her family.